522591_379600385471432_307731171_nPeople ask me all the time, “Amy, how do you manage to get absolutely nothing done, day in and day out?”

I mean, think about it: I wake up at the crack of dawn most days, with hours of potential productivity stretched ahead of me. But other than checking off my list the things that HAVE to be done each day  – feeding the cat, interacting with the children, getting dressed (and this last one is debatable, like, are yoga pants and long cardigan considered an actual outfit?) – I can never get around to moving forward in my life.

I’m really good at talking about doing stuff – like writing something other than blog posts and fixing the power steering on my SUV that sometimes just inexplicably doesn’t feel like working – but it’s all talk.

It reminds me of something my therapist would say to me from time to time during our early sessions, when I would bemoan the course my life had taken. “Do you know what the definition of insanity is?” she’d ask. “It’s doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

So if you, too, would like to experience life similar to Bill Murray in “Groundhog’s Day,” you might want to start following Amy’s Rules for Getting Nowhere:

  1. Check Facebook every 10 minutes. It’s mesmerizing, all those … (NOTE: It is here that I quickly jumped over to FB to find great examples of  just what it was that I couldn’t get enough of, like one of those snarky mom-memes or people wishing happy birthday to their 4-year-olds, when a headline about who’s been cast as the new Christian Grey (meh) caught my eye, leading me down a whole Huffington Post rabbit hole of crap about Kim Kardashian’s engagement ring and why Denmark is the happiest country. It took a huge burst of effort to get myself back to here.
  2. Refresh your site stats constantly. I just can’t get enough of knowing how many people have clicked on my latest post at any given moment. This activity is only rivaled by checking Facebook Insights and gleaning tidbits about my followers like what country they hail from and other demographic tidbits (shout out to the guys who make up 9 percent of my followers!).
  3. Schedule beauty appointments throughout the day. A girl needs to look good, n’est ce pas? Accordingly, time needs to be set aside daily for the brows and ‘stache, bikini upkeep, hair cut and color, manis, pedis and exercise a few times a week to keep it all together. It probably requires a few hours weekly to keep me all glued and taped together.
  4. Order up Netflix and cram 30 one-hour episodes of “Scandal” into a week of your life. Not interested in getting on board with the fabulous Olivia Pope, she of the white hat and gladiator ways? No problem. Try “Breaking Bad” or “Game of Thrones” or “Walking Dead” or “Mad Men” or “Orange is the New Black” or “Homeland” or “House of Cards.” Like me. (This activity pairs nicely with #5.)
  5. Drink wine every day. This, by far, is probably the biggest secret to my lack of success. It makes me sleepy and lazy and just want to watch TV (see #4).

Maybe this is what I’ll write my book about. I’ll cobble together a guide for other would-be authors on how to just not do it. On how to wish your life away.

I just need to check if I’ve gotten any new likes on Facebook first.

 

 

 

 

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16 thoughts on “5 Habits of Highly Ineffective Bloggers

  1. i’ll wash the mold off your wall if you wash the green stuff growing on my deck rails (and i’ve been looking at) all summer. i even got far enough to find the scrub brush.

  2. My life, summed up in 5 points. I deleted Google Analytics from my bookmarks for a week. It was such a relief. Then I caved, logged in, saw my stats were in the tank, and spent half a day panicking over all the things I needed to do to get my numbers back up. I don’t have a problem. I do not have a problem.

    P.S. I shared this w/a FB blog group I’m part of, and the women are all commenting about how spot on you are.

    • If nothing else, the reaction to this post has been so comforting, knowing I’m not the only one frittering away my day on social media. So excited you shared this with fellow time-wasters :)

  3. Hello Amy,

    I think we could substitute my name for yours! I keep wondering why the last 5 hours disappeared and who took them. I am definitely a “white hat” and a “gladiator”. Thanks for putting a smile on my face.

    BTW, I found you through BlogHer!

    Let’s have another drink…the lady kay

  4. im not even on Facebook and i can’t get anything done (as i sit here in all my beauty —pj’s, glasses and drinking coffee)!! ~~~~ nice to know others are “long on ideas and short on execution” as well. maybe i’ll shower later:)

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